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Anxiety christian depression ERP Exposure and Response Prevention faith Hope Mental Health Mid Life Obsessive Compulsive OCD

Who’s Under Your OCD?

Sometimes I think OCD is a very clever way of masking what really matters to us and who we really are.
It can be amazing to take the time to listen to the dialogue under the illness. It can be healing.
I hope you like what I wrote about it:

I’m scared to death
that this might be my
last breath
I am utterly and totally
exposed trying to transpose
my fear for faith.
The deconstruction
and gradual reconstruction
of my faith
has left me a waif
I shake like a leaf
on a windless night
clutching to the bough
with all my might
and after 40 long years
and too many tears
I finally know
I finally know
of what I’m afraid.
Myself.
Who I really am
What I really need
That child inside
crying out for my mum
to sooth the aches
and erase the pain
but I will never
ignore her again.
I didn’t give her a voice
nor did anyone else
I guess it’s time
to stand up for myself.
Let’s find out
who Anna really is.
I’m shaking like a leaf.

Anna Killick 20/06/20

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Sometimes the battle just goes away

I have had a few specific OCD incidents that were so deeply ingrained, I honestly felt that they could never be dealt with. Every time I checked my mind, there they were haunting me. Whenever I’d have a moment of peace, it would be interrupted with ‘but you’ve always got this hanging over your head…’.

After the gift of doing ERP therapy and after much work and angst, one day it just didn’t matter anymore. I can not explain it other than it ceased to be an issue. It has tried to flare up but has never had the power over me it used to. It used to bring me to my knees – literally.

I actually agreed with the thought and went ‘yeah, this might ruin my life’ and allowed it just to be. After a while, it lost its grip because I had finally got to the stage where I did not care. Wow, it sounds huge saying that. Huge. And it’s not everybody’s experience.

I hope and pray you end up giving OCD the big finger and see it for the kitty cat (not the ravenous lion), it really is. Don’t get me wrong, OCD in general can still sometimes be a lion. But I have a victory and I’ll sing it from the rooftops.

What is your victory?