Just When You Think You’re Doing Well…

I’m sure you’ve experienced this; you’ve got to a good place, got into a good groove and things seem to be working.  You can’t imagine it being any different to how it is now – or at least, you hope you it won’t.

And then, it may be nothing obvious or it may be certain circumstances, but something comes up to shatter your pleasant bubble.

OK, so let’s take a real life experience.  My experience.  For the last three months I have been reasonably steady.  My ups and downs I have managed with mindfulness, eating well, concentrating on gut health, taking my medication, talking things through and practising my very tough, but life-changing, OCD Exposure and Response Prevention.
I know that I have turned a corner and I know that although this process is hard, I am proud of myself. I have experienced reasonably continuous low-grade ‘happiness’ for the first time and it is wonderful!

Then came the weekend.  Out of nowhere, I was low (borderline depressed), very tired,  upset and just ‘blah’. I thought it was because a certain issue in my life had come up and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.  I thought, although down, that I was in a reasonable head space to be able to talk it through. So I thought it through carefully and talked about it with someone.  I thought I had done really well and had managed to navigate the subject quite impressively.  Three hours later, I imploded.  I felt such raw feelings, such deep hurt and such a stuckness.  I realised that I wasn’t going to be able to talk my way out of this one.

I had a cry and talked some more, and listened some more not to the point of resolution (that my OCD brain so wanted!) but until there was nothing left to say and then I played on the computer.

I was woken this morning too early and I had the start of another migraine.  I went back to bed and slept for too long.  When I awoke again, I realised that I felt just as depressed.  I began to search for things to make myself feel better or to get myself into a better state of mind.

I now have a choice:  I fight this and pretend I’m fine or I dive headlong into despair.  I will do neither.  I will accept it but I will not tell myself a big story (a narrative) about how terrible this is.

I think I realise now that I need to accept these feelings and accept their sense of discomfort and angst.  I need to accept that I am tired and that for whatever reason, I am needing some rest.  I am getting on with the day-to-day stuff I need to do so I am not ‘giving in’ by stopping my life but I am not going to be hard on myself and I need to take a second at a time today.  And this issue is huge and fraught but it is not impossible and I don’t need to decide anything today.

And that’s OK.

Postscript: Directly after this, I won the most beautiful designer loveseat worth $3450!  I was cheered up I have to say 😉